Wedding Bells and Southern Bells

Weddings are a tricky thing to write about. You talk about how beautiful and moving they are and you end up sounding trite. If you talk about what you yourself did at the wedding and you sound like a self-absorbed jerk. But, since being self-absorbed is what blogs are all about, I really don't have much of a choice...

Megan and I woke up the Friday before Nate and Katie's wedding at around o'dark thirty, or maybe it was closer to 4:00 AM... Whatever the case we made our way to the airport in Orlando and were sat waiting for our plane shortly after 6:00 AM. Sleep deprivation tends to make me antsy, as once I sit still my body realizes how tired it really is. So, I walked the concourse and perused the magazines where I found that the news vendor carried Uncut. I was impressed, and was about to purchase a copy when the cashier announced that the credit card machine was down. Since I was out of cash I wandered over to Seattle's Best and bought a latte. When I walked past the news vendor again, I noticed that not only was the credit card machine now working, but they had just replaced the issue of Uncut that I first saw with Kurt Cobain on the cover, with the most recent, hot-off-the presses issue. On the cover? Oasis. Now, you might wonder why I related to you, the reader, such a long aside. Well, simply put, it's because this was obviously a sign. A sign from on high, that God, Fate, Yahweh, whatever, was not only smiling on me, but would smile upon the forthcoming nuptials. I'm serious. If Jesus could turn water into wine, why couldn't some higher power turn Cobain into Oasis? Truly, I had witnessed a miracle.

When I returned to the pre-boarding area, I found Megan deep in conversation with a woman from Florence, Alabama. Since our flight was taking us into Birmingham, it was truly a stroke of luck, especially since the woman gave Megan detailed directions on getting from Birmingham to Florence. What made the encounter so lucky? Well, as we would soon discover, the directions Megan got from Google Maps sucked. Again. After we picked up our luxury sedan rental car (hey, they upgraded us for free! By the way, what do suppose happens if you rent a luxury sedan in the first place and they upgrade you? It's too bad I'll never find out...) we tried following Google Maps convoluted directions and ended up on the wrong side of Birmingham. Now, I don't know if Birmingham even has a right side, but let me tell you, we sure as hell weren't in it. Oh, and did I mention we were in a LUXURY SEDAN? Needless to say, I was not getting out to ask anyone for directions. We ultimately made it back on the interstate without incident, and I set my sights on the one place I wanted to go more than anywhere else on our trip: Waffle House.

After passing many Waffle Houses on the way to Florence, I was itching for my fix, but Megan wasn't in the mood for greasy, maple syrup-flavored love. After some debate we finally settled on Taco Bell. We pulled off of the interstate into the Taco Bell parking lot and directly behind it, as if placed there specifically for me, stood a Waffle House in all it's glory. Megan and split up for lunch and she got her fix and I got mine. The day was back on track.

The woman from the airport's directions got us to our hotel in Florence with no problems. Once there we met up with our friends also coming in from out of town. We hung out for a while, then Megan went to our room to relax while Nick and I picked up our tuxes. That errand out of the way, we returned to the hotel to get ready for the rehearsal and the subsequent rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal turned out to be a bit of a fiasco, as the minister didn't seem to have a clear idea of what he was supposed to be doing, let alone me or my fellow groomsmen. The wedding coordinator at one point had us walk down the aisle single file, after the bridesmaids had done the same. This seemed really strange to me, as I had always seen the groomsmen escort the bridesmaids down the aisle, not follow them. Never one to want to ruin somebody's wedding, I asked Nate if we shouldn't run through it again, and he shrugged and said "Nah." That ended up being something of a mistake...

After the rehearsal, Nick, Max, and I all rode back from the church to the hotel together. In the car Nick asked us if he'd told us about how Nate asked him to be Best Man. When Max and I replied that he hadn't, Nick says, "It was 5 minutes ago when the minister said where the Best Man was supposed to stand and Nate said 'I guess that's you Best Man'." Classic.

The rehearsal dinner was a nice affair, and it was great to finally get to meet Nate's dad and stepmom. Katie's family seemed pretty great, too, and they did a terrific job of making all of us from out of town feel welcome. There were Polaroid cameras for us to play around with and Max I spent most of our time at the head table screwing around taking pictures, experimenting on the Polaroid emulsion, and making "witty" comments on the photos. After the dinner, we made our way back to the hotel bar and hung out until we were asked to leave after I brought beer from our room out onto the patio. Megan went to bed, and I ended up staying up late with Nick, Zach, and Christine trying unsuccessfully to help Nick with his Best Man speech.

The next morning was a bit rough, not because I was hung over or anything, but because I had gotten so little rest the entire week (especially the night before) and it was beginning to catch up with me. Max and I drove Nate to the reception site where we waited for someone to tell us what to do. With wedding time fast approaching, we decided we were done waiting and made our way to the church with the rest of the groomsmen in tow. We arrived, apparently, not a moment too soon, as the videographer and Katie's dad started in on Nate almost immediately. To be fair, Katie's dad mostly seemed to just be giving Nate a hard time, whereas the videographer seemed to be having an aneurysm. Whoops. We were all taken into the church through the back into a small room where the minister had us all join hands and pray. He then, rather nonchalantly, led us out of the room through a small door. Much to my chagrin, that door led us into the front of the sanctuary. I'd just like to take a moment right here to thank the minister for the head's up.

Now, this was NOT what we rehearsed. the groomsmen weren't even in any sort of order. Luckily, Nick had been first to follow Nate out, and even he later told me that he thought they were just going into another room and was surprised when we walked out to see everyone seated for the wedding looking at us. Now, I was right behind Nick and I froze. I had no idea what to do, since again, this was NOT what we rehearsed. My brain was stuck trying to decide whether I should turn around, keep following Nick, or walk up the side aisle so we could come down the center aisle like we HAD rehearsed. Yeah, that last one would have looked really, really, really, really stupid, I know, but hey I was panicking. Just as my brain unfroze, and I started to turn back to ask the person behind me what to do, I got stiff-armed in my back and shoved towards the alter. It was Max, and he had once again saved my ass, by giving it a much-needed kick.

The rest of the wedding went much smoother, with one exception. When the minister told everyone that they could be seated, none of the bridesmaids or groomsmen knew what to do (This is why I take exception to Katie saying that the groomsmen just weren't paying attention at the rehearsal). Since Nick, being the Best Man was now up at the alter with Katie and Nate, I was now at the head of the groomsmen and they were all following my lead. Trying once again not to panic, I looked across the aisle at the bridesmaids, only to see that they were all leaning forward trying to see what we were doing. Deciding to take the lead on this one, lest I get shoved once again, I began sit down as slowly as possible. By that I mean, I sort of did this half crouch thing and ever so slowly turned to sit, all the while keeping my eye on the minister for some sort of sign as to whether or not I was following the proper protocol. If anyone was paying attention, they probably thought I had hemorrhoids or something, but really I was trying to put myself in a position where I could jump back up at a moments notice. I would have felt all the more silly had I not noticed that all of the bridesmaids were mimicking my ridiculous movements. As it happened, however, it was the right call and I was finally able to relax and stop worrying about screwing things up any further.

The wedding itself, of course, was beautiful. The ceremony was presided over by the aforementioned minister and a catholic priest. Nate had been nervous the entire weekend, and I could see him finally relax and get lost in the moment. Katie made for a beautiful and graceful bride and seeing their mutual happiness as they exchanged vows left me a little misty eyed. The whole experience left me even more upset that Nate's mom couldn't be there to share in the moment. I know it's a strange thing to say, but I got to see a side of Nate that day that I had never seen before and he made me proud. Proud not only for him and Katie, but proud that those of us from back home could be there for him. It felt, to me at least, that we had moved from being friends to being sort of family. That sort of thing doesn't happen every day, and it made the wedding all the more special.

After the wedding we moved on to the reception which was over in record time. During the short time spent at the reception, I managed to eat about 3 lbs. of cheese and was left somewhat bemused by the wedding band's choice to play Ryan Adams' "Come Pick Me Up." Turns out after hearing the band's version of the Jayhawks' "Tampa To Tulsa," Megan was encouraged to ask them to play something "appropriate" from the Ryan Adams catalogue. Now, I love me some Ryan Adams, but of any song that could be deemed appropriate for a wedding reception, the lyrics of "Come Pick Me Up" put it near the very bottom of the list (somewhere just below TLC's "Creep" and just above Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me.") After the reception, Nate and Katie had a dinner for the wedding party and assorted other out of town guests at a local Italian restaurant called Ricatoni's. It was a good time and the highlight came when Nick finally got deliver his Best Man speech. After we all had our fill of pizza, pasta, and alcohol, most of us called it a night. Some of the more adventurous among us made their way to a bar called Big Ed's, but Megan and I were too exhausted. It sounds like Big Ed's was quite an experience, and I'm truly sorry to have missed out. But knowing my luck, it sounds like I probably would have also gotten arrested, so it's probably a good thing that Megan and I just went to bed.

The next morning Megan and I had brunch with Tim and Shanna and afterwards began our long journey back home. In all, it was a great weekend and the best possible way to end our vacation. As much fun as we had, however, Megan and I were definitely looking forward to getting back home and, ironically since we were just on vacation, getting some much needed down time. After all, we needed to be back on top of our game for our next wedding the following weekend.

Seriously, Where Was I? Part V

Our final day of theme park madness was spent at Disney-MGM Studios. Of all the parks that we visited that comprise DisneyWorld, this one seemed like the one with the least to do. Which isn't to say that we didn't have any fun, because we certainly did, but if you only have a couple of days to spend at DisneyWorld, I would either suggest getting a Park Hopper Pass and visiting Disney-MGM Studios on the same day as another park, or if time and money are really short, skipping it altogether. It would be especially worth skipping if you are bound and determined to visit Universal Studios: Florida, as Disney-MGM is clearly based on the Universal model.

I know that it sounds like I'm slagging off Disney-MGM Studios, but that's not really my intent. In fact, if I had to choose between Universal Studios and Disney-MGM, I'd probably have to pick Disney-MGM. Despite the similarities in both parks being essentially the same in that they are both meant to resemble a movie studio backlot, Disney-MGM gets the edge for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that, like all the Disney theme parks, Disney-MGM has top notch animatronics. The second reason, is that unlike Universal Studios (not to be confused with Islands of Adventure), Disney-MGM has a couple of great thrill rides.

That's right, for some reason, Disney decided to put it's two best thrill rides in MGM Studios. The first of which Megan and I rode was the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster. The set up fro the ride is that you're touring a recording studio where Aerosmith is recording. At the last minute, you and your fellow riders are invited to ride along with Aerosmith to their concert. The rollercoaster itself is meant to resemble a stretch limo and the ride is meant to simulate a ride to the concert through the streets of LA. The ride, no pun intended, rocks. Much like Space Mountain, it's an enclosed coaster almost entirely in the dark, which again, keeps riders from knowing what to expect and punches the thrill factor up a couple of notches. Unlike Space Mountain, however, the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster also features a couple of inversions, which, for those of you not "in the know," means the ride goes upside down. Those inversions, coupled with the speed of the ride, definitely make the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster the most thrilling rollercoaster I've ridden at Disney. That said, I still think I prefer Space Mountain for it's retro-future design, but that's probably just me.

The other thrill ride that gives Disney-MGM it's edge over Universal is The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. The ride itself is housed in a replica of a 1930s Hollywood Hotel. And let me tell you, the design of the ride it definitely something to behold. The attention to detail in not only making an effective old-style grand hotel, but giving the illusion that it is one that has fallen into disrepair, is truly awe-inspiring. I'd ride this ride multiple times just so I could look at it.

The premise of this ride is that the passengers are on an elevator that takes them into the Twilight Zone. Riders are led by a bellhop into an elevator car and strapped in. The car then moves through a set featuring weird, Twilight Zone effects. Finally, a door opens, and riders can see that they're looking out over the park from several stories up. Then, almost before you have time to register what's going on, the car drops. And it drops fast. After the first plunge the car raises and drops several more times putting the riders again and again through freefall, simulating the out-of-control elevator it's meant to be, before finally coming to rest at the ground floor. Normally, I don't like these kind of rides. They make my stomach feel like I left it somewhere at the top of the drop and it's having an out-of-body experience. But I really dug The Tower of Terror. Maybe it's because of the ride's unique design, or maybe it's because it's a Disney ride and therefore less intense than others like it. Whatever the case, it had Megan and I going back for more.

Now, I know that I keep going on and on about Disney's animatronics, but the one's featured on The Great Movie Ride are really something special. This ride takes it's passengers led by a tour guide through different sets replicating famous movies or simply different genres of movies. The best animatronics are John Wayne in the Western portion of the ride, and James Cagney in the gangster movie portion. The gangster portion also features a pretty nifty live-action/animatronic shoot-out where the ride is "hijacked" by an actor playing a mobster. It's a fun little ride that will make any movie fan smile, especially those who enjoy animatronics. This might sound like a small demographic, but then again, there's a reason that DisneyWorld is the world's number one theme park.

While not most people don't associate Muppets with animatronics, Disney-MGM has a show featuring them as well. Megan and I checked out MuppetVision 3D which is essentially 3D movie featuring the Muppets, with animatronics and live actors in Muppet costumes participating along in the theatre. The theatre itself is pretty neat, deigned to resemble the one featured on the Muppet Show I enjoyed in my youth, complete with animatronic versions of the Muppet Show's resident theatre critics, Staler and Waldorf, in a balcony box. The movie is charming and funny, so much so, that it made the attraction almost melancholy to me. I know that sounds rather incongruous, but hear me out. The whole display was actually put together by the now deceased Jim Henson and it shows. For whatever reason, he brought something special to the Muppets than has been sorely missed since his death. The magic of MuppetVision 3D reminded me of how great the Muppets used to be, and how much I miss Jim Henson's unique genius. Leave it to me to be depressed by the Muppets.

Almost immediately after watching the Muppets in all their 3D glory, Megan and I split up. Megan went to see some Beauty and The Beast musical number or somesuch, whereas I went to complete a dream I've had since 1987. That dream, my friends, was riding Star Tours. As many of you know, I am a huge Star Wars nerd, and I can't tell you how much I've always wanted to ride Star Tours. I first heard about it when some kids from my old neighborhood rode it back in the day. Their descriptions of flying along on the famous Death Star run from the original Star Wars filled my imagination with the coolest ride ever imagined. I couldn't wait to ride this thing!

But wait I did. I waited nearly 20 years to ride Star Tours. And as you would probably expect, I was pretty disappointed. The ride is really just a simulator, with an animatronic robot tour guide, which takes rider on a Star Wars-based adventure through space. It's cool enough, but since I've ridden several other simulators throughout the years, this one feels pretty much like more of the same. Granted, this is the only simulator I've ridden with ILM created effects, but even those can't save the whole thing from feeling more than a little dated. I'm sure that if I rode it back in '87 I would have loved it, but the simple fact that it existed solely in my imagination for so long set such a high bar that it would have been impossible for it to live up to. Still, much like Megan's finally get to eat at EPCOT's Resturant Marrakesh, I was able to cross another childhood fantasy off the list. Not only that, but I'm especially glad to have had the chance to ride it, since, as I understand it, Lucas is developing a new Star Tours ride, which will be prequel-based and simulate a pod race. It would have been hard to imagine a way to make Star Tours more disappointing, but luckily, Lucas has gone ahead and done it for me.

Well, that's it. There were other things to see at the park, like various shows, but Megan and I weren't really too keen on checking any of them out, so we split. We wanted to get back to the condo with time to recover and pack (and in Megan's case watch Grey's Anatomy). As much fun as we had, we were really looking forward to what was to come and the real purpose of our trip, Nate and Katie's wedding.

Seriously, Where Was I? Part IV

Our entrance into the Magic Kingdom was a pretty neat experience. The assembled crowd all stood behind a velvet rope waiting for park to open and together we all counted down aloud the final 10 seconds before the world-famous "rope drop." Once again the look of excitement on all the kids' eyes waiting to enter the park was more than a little infectious. Megan especially loved the ritual and I was the happiest I was on the trip seeing her let her inner child come out. Once inside, I was immediately transported back to my 4th grade self walking into Disneyland for the first time. It was a nice moment, marred only slightly when I remembered that there were no Matterhorn Bobsleds.

I think Megan and I hit just about every ride in the Magic Kingdom, except for the Dumbo the Flying Elephant ride and the Mad Tea Party teacups ride. I'm sure there were other rides we skipped, but Dear Lord, did we ride a lot of rides. The funny thing is, I distinctly remember going to Disneyland as a 4th-grader and being there, but I only remember riding 4 rides. In a fashion, my 4th-grade self is a little jealous, but my 29-year-old self wishes they still had the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride that I rode the Disneyland counterpart of. In a way, I think it may be better that they don't, as I'm almost positive I would be disappointed if I rode it again now.

I say almost positive because my favorite Disneyland ride remained my favorite Magic Kingdom ride. That ride was The Haunted Mansion. It's probably silly that I like it so much, but I find this track ride's "spooky" animatronics and holograms charming. And not only that, but some of the effects there are still pretty cool, making me marvel at how innovative Disney rides must be when they're created. Despite the ride being pretty much the same, I do have to give it up to DisneyWorld for having a spookier looking mansion than Disneyland. Another ride I remembered from childhood that remained a favorite was Pirates of the Caribbean. Another track ride, this one takes you through different settings filled with animatronic pirates up to no good. This, like Haunted Mansion, seemed pretty much the same, with one major difference: the addition of Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow. Truly an animatronic marvel, Capt. Jack is so realistic, I was left wondering that maybe it wasn't actually animatronic, but a down-on-his-luck Skeet Ulrich instead. The last ride I remembered riding in my youth at Disneyland was the Jungle Cruise. This ride is worth riding if only for it's historic value. The ride has remained unchanged since it's inception in 1955, and as a result delves into unmitigated cheese. The tour guide on the river boat that takes you through the ride revels in it's cheesiness and delivers an unrelenting stream of bad puns that invites you to laugh at the rides silliness. Needless to say, I ate it up.

Megan and I rode many more track rides that I can't believe I didn't ride as a child. The most notable being Peter Pan's Flight, it's a small world, and Splash Mountain. Peter Pan was notable not only because the set and animatronics so meticulously captured the look and feel of the Peter Pan animated movie, but also because the car that takes you through the ride is suspended above it so you get to look down on the action below. "it's a small world" was notable, on the other hand, not for how fun it was, but rather by how annoying. I understand that at some point, I'll probably ride this "attraction" again with my kids, but it's not something I look forward to. I can admit that I appreciate the sentiment behind the ride, which preaches that no matter where we live or what we look like , we're all in this together. But the cutesy design of the animatronics and sets was so sweet, I almost went into insulin shock. And if ever hear that friggin' "it's a small world after all" refrain again, in any of the various languages it's repeated ad naseum throughout the ride, it will be too soon. Seriously, I can't believe I've never heard a report of one of the Disney workers for the ride going postal and smashing the crap out of the ride. I know I wanted to, and I was only around it for 10 minutes, let alone the whole day! Never one to let creepy animatronic children spoil my day, I did manage to get a kick out of Splash Mountain. My favorite part of the ride came not from the big, flume ride splash at the end, but from the animatronic Song of the South portion at the beginning. Song of the South was one of my favorite Disney movies of my childhood, long before I became aware what terms like "racial insensitivity" even meant. As a child, I had memorized nearly all the words to "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" and never gave it any thought that aspects of the film could be seen as racist. Therefore, it is sad to me that the animated characters from the film will never be seen by any generation after mine, aside from in this ride. On the same token, I can see why Disney is reluctant to re-issue a film with a character/foil for Br'er Rabbit called Tar Baby. Tar Baby, by the way, is no where to be seen on Splash Mountain, which is probably for the best, as I wouldn't want to even try to explain the metaphorical aspects of the term versus it's racial implications to the attraction's young riders. It was, however, a pleasant experience getting to revisit my childhood friends, if only as part of a theme park ride.

Spending most of the revisiting childhood memories was certainly a worthwhile experience, but what made our day at Magic Kingdom the most gratifying was riding the rides that had scared the bajeezus out of me to the point that I wouldn't even consider riding them as a child. These rides, while tame when compared to rides found at other parks, I would still categorize as thrill rides. The first was Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, a rollercoaster which simulates a runaway train. The design of the ride is pretty nifty, taking you through Old West-style towns and a deserted mine, but the actual ride is nothing to write home about. Even though a little girl in the car behind us didn't seem to think so, it's tame enough to be an almost all-ages ride. The other ride I took a pass on as a youth made for a much more exciting experience, and that's Space Mountain. In my mind, although it's pretty tame, Space Mountain stands alone as the Magic Kingdom's sole thrill ride that would be at home at almost any amusement park. Since the ride is almost completely in the dark it keeps it's riders off-balance and unexpectant on what's coming next. Plus, the design of the ride and it's space effects make me almost wish that I had ridden it when I was younger. I say almost, because it probably would have scared the crap out of me. Not necessarily literally scare the crap out of me, but you never know.

Aside from the rides, Megan and I took in several animatronic shows. We saw the The Enchanted Tiki Room (Under New Management), the Country Bear Jamboree, the Hall of Presidents, and the Carousel of Progress. The Tiki Room and the Country Bear Jamboree were decent, mildly entertaining, and had animatronics miles ahead of anything you'd see at ShowBiz Pizza Place or Chuck E Cheese's. That said, if you don't have kids, they're definitely not must-see attractions (your time would be better spent riding Space Mountain again). However, both the Hall of Presidents and Carousel of Progress are definitely worth you time. The Hall of Presidents features all 42 U.S. presidents in a truly amazing animatronic display. Each president moves, gestures, and even appears to breathe in an incredibly lifelike manner. President Lincoln and President G.W. Bush are especially impressive, as they have the most to say and do. Almost as impressive is the blatantly anti-racist message the pervades the display that proves propaganda can indeed be a positive force. Less impressive, but still cool in it's own way is the Carousel of Progress. The attraction was original created by Walt Disney himself for the 1964/65 World's Fair and was to highlight changes in technology in the modern household. To tell the story of technology's progression, the theatre itself actually rotated around a stage which displayed an American family enjoying state-of-the-art conveniences for their respective time periods of 1900s, 1920s, 1940s, and 1960s. Today, though, the 1960s family has been replaced by a 2000s family, and it makes the jump from the 40s kind of jarring. Still, the show features pretty impressive animatronics, and an undeniable charm. Unfortunately, it also features the second most annoying song I heard that day, "There's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow."

Once again, Megan and I left worn out but happy. Our enthusiasm for amusement parks was also beginning to wane. Not by much, mind you, but enough so that our visit to Disney-MGM Studios would be the shortest of any of our days spent at the parks.

Seriously, Where Was I? Part III

Ever since our trip to Magic Mountain, Megan and I have been talking about DisneyWorld. Megan couldn't believe that I had actually been to DisneyWorld, but only went to EPCOT. In my defense, EPCOT remained my favorite part of DisneyWorld after this trip, and as I kept telling her, I had already been to Disneyland. Since Megan is somewhat of a DisneyWorld snob, she would inform that even though DisneyWorld's Magic Kingdom was essentially the same as Disneyland (minus the Matterhorn Bobsleds, which as I see it, puts Disneyland up one fairly notable ride), DisneyWorld is better because it's newer and Disneyland "is dirtier." Besides, she added, did I ever even ride the Matterhorn, or Space Mountain? I thought that her criticisms of Disneyland being inferior and dirtier were a bit unfair since she had never been there, nor ridden the Matterhorn herself, and that Disneyland was still the number 2 theme park in the world. Besides, since Disneyland came before DisneyWorld, it had more history. But I had to concede that Megan did have a point, I had never ridden the world famous rides created for the Disney theme parks (heck, I was too afraid to even get my picture taken with Donald Duck) and DisneyWorld seemed as good a place as any to rectify that (Minus the Matterhorn Bobsleds, of course).

DisneyWorld is a crazy place. It's simultaneously symbolizes the best and worst that the culture of our country has to offer. By that I mean, it's easy to see why people hold it in such disdain with it's overblown merchandising, corporate sponsorships, overwhelming happiness, and forced unreality. However, if you're able to check your cynicism at the gate, it can truly be a magical place. In other words, if you enter DisneyWorld wanting to hate it, it's easy to do so; on the other hand, if you walk in with an open mind, you will find it just as easy to be swept up in it's wonder. For me it was impossible to not be charmed by the vision of what Disney set out to accomplish, especially while seeing kids from all around world smiling with wide-eyed glee. In fact, I know that I probably had the same look on my face for most of the time I was there (which probably let some people at least to think I was mentally challenged).

Our first day at DisneyWorld was a long one spent entirely at EPCOT. EPCOT stands for "Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow", which by the way, is a terrible acronym. I mean, what sort of community consists of theme park rides? Sure they grow their own food there (in research facility co-sponsored by NASA, which you can tour on the Living With The Land ride), but how would their economy work? And what about schools? I certainly didn't see a "Magic of Mathematics" ride or a "English Equals Excitement" ride. To be fair, I guess the original vision Uncle Walt had for EPCOT changed after his death, but maybe they should have changed the name as well. Whatever the case, we got there at 9:00 AM and didn't leave until after the IllumiNations fireworks/multi-media display at 9:00 PM. It made for a long day, but it was a good one. After the non-stop thrill rides of Islands of Adventure the day before, the rides at EPCOT were almost downright relaxing in comparison. However, thrill rides aren't exactly Disney's forte, and EPCOT is intended to be more along the lines of edutainment than excitement. That said, they do have a ride that's may have killed at least 2 people, called Mission: Space.

Mission: Space is a pretty cool ride. The fact the people may have died because of it, made me more than a little nervous, though before I rode it. Essentially, it's a simulator that has centrifuge design that spins you around to simulate g-force, while the screen makes it seem like you're flying rather that simply spinning around in a circle. I had a blast, but was glad that Megan chose to ride the newer, less intense version. Since that ride almost made her sick, I don't want to think about how she would of felt on the version I rode.

Despite the fun we had riding rides like Mission: Space and Test Track (basically a glorified GM commercial that simulates the testing done on cars. Still fun, though.), I think that I enjoyed the animatronic track rides the best. These rides take riders through what are essentially moving dioramas featuring animatronics. Some might find them kitschy or even downright cheesy, but to me they exist in their own category: disney. It's definitely hard to explain, because they are kind of kitschy and cheesy, but they're so well done, that it's hard not to celebrate their fakiness (I think I just made up a word there, but it fits). My favorite of these has to be Spaceship Earth, which resides in the giant golf-ball looking structure most people associate with EPCOT. The rides takes you through the history of communication, from cave painting, to hieroglyphics, to the Roman Empire, up through the printing press, to telecommunications and the internet. All in animatronic glory. What I love most about the ride is it's retro-futuristic design. I love seeing things that give you an idea of what the people of the past thought that future would look like. For instance, I'm sure that the people who designed the geodesic sphere that houses the ride thought it was futuristic, when to everyone today it just looks like a golf ball.

My other favorite track ride was Malestrom. This ride is housed in the Norway pavilion in the World Showcase area of the park. I liked it because the set designs and animatronics were the coolest our time at the Disney parks. Plus you've got to give props to a ride that combines the mythological past of a country, with it's actual current day incarnations, even if, as was the case of this ride, it didn't really seem to make much sense. In fact, I think the kids who rode it were especially confused by trying to figure out what exactly trolls and vikings had to do with off shore oil drilling. I'm not quite sure about how that works either, but for some reason the rides incongruities made me love it even more. I mean, where else but at DisneyWorld would you find something like this?

Speaking of the World Showcase, in my mind, it's definitely the highlight of EPCOT. The world showcase is modeled after World's Fairs of times past with different countries represented in their own pavilions. The Showcase features Mexico, Norway, China, Germany, Italy, United States of America, Japan, Morocco, France, the United Kingdom, and Canada. Truly a strange selection of countries to be sure. I mean, most of them I understand, but Norway and Morocco? I guess it came down to who could pony up the cash to sponsor the pavilions, but they definitely seem a little out of place. At any rate, each pavilion is designed really well, with architecture and flourishes that are really quite effective capturing the flavor of the countries they represent. They even employ people for the pavilions from the actual countries, with the acrobats from China definitely those most worth mentioning. You can tell a lot of thought and planning went into the World Showcase. The best example of this being that you can actually see the Disney/MGM Studios ride The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror from Morocco, but it's designed so that it looks like it belongs in the Moroccan skyline.

Aside from the nifty architecture and ambiance, what makes the World Showcase so great, is that it clearly has adults in mind. Megan and I were there during a month long wine tasting event and there were food and drinks from all around the world. I was definitely pleased with being able to buy a 24 oz glass of Stella in the UK pavilion. I also enjoyed the Kringla Bakeri og Kafe in Norway where Megan and I shared a pastry and chocolate mousse. The shops are also cool, especially with shops in the UK and Germany loaded with soccer jerseys and t-shirts. I was especially impressed with the Germany shops, as they had an overabundance of Adidas apparel, including a t-shirt too cool for yours truly to pass up. In fact, the only disappointment came when we had dinner in Morocco at Resturant Marrakesh.

To be fair the food at Resturant Marrakesh wasn't all bad. The soup, rice, and dessert were all delicious (all of which made me miss a now closed Omaha restaurant Afghani Kabob, even more). But the main entree of the sort-of-sampler platters we ordered was pretty lackluster. The chicken was alright, but the lamb bordered on inedible. It was definitely filling, but the price coupled with the fact that it suffered by comparison to the tasty lunch we had earlier in the day at Sunshine Seasons food court in The Land section of the park, left us less than satisfied. That said, it was better than a hot dog and a pretzel, and It was a place that Megan had always wanted to go, so we were able to cross it of the list. However, if we ever go back, I'll want to grab a bite in France, or at least Mexico or China. If there's one thing it's hard to screw up, it's tacos and sesame chicken.

Megan and I kicked around the World Showcase for the better part of the night, waiting for the IllumiNations to bring our day to a close. At one point, however, Megan was getting cold so I offered to trek back to the car to retrieve a jacket for her. I left her seated at an outdoor cafe, and told her not to move and I would be back in about an hour. We were parked pretty close, but I would probably have to walk a couple of miles all told from where we were, out the gate and back. Plus I wanted to see if I could squeeze in one more ride of Mission: Space. After riding Mission: Space again, I made my way to the gate. I asked the guy manning the gate what I needed to get back in, I was thinking a stamp on the hand would do. I was informed that all I needed was my ticket. Unfortunately, Megan had our tickets, so I had to trek all the back to Megan sans coat. I can't put it into words the look of relief on Megan's face when I got back. Minutes after I left, Megan realized that she had both of the tickets, and had been worried that I had left EPCOT without realizing I couldn't get back in. She had spent the last hour or so imagining me standing outside EPCOT throwing my hands up and down shouting "Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!" Now, that may not be very, Disney-like behavior, but it's probably spot on, and it's not like I haven't done anything like that before. But, luckily for us, I actually asked someone before leaving the park.

Anyhow, it turned out to be a pleasant evening and Megan made it without a coat. We watched the IllumiNations display while Megan sipped a fruit smoothie and I sipped a mango margarita. It was nice, although I found the display a little disappointing. Still, it was a nice way to end the day, snuggled up with the missus and watching the fireworks light up her smiling face. It would have been even better, and downright romantic, if we weren't surrounded by bratty kids from Jersey and their jackass parents. But, like I said, DisneyWorld encapsulates everything that's good and bad about our culture, and the end of our day at IllumiNations was the perfect example of this.

We made our way back to the condo immediately after IllumiNations. We were beat. With all of the walking required in general, and my near mishap with leaving the park in particular, it's easy to see why some people say EPCOT stands for "Everybody Comes Out Tired." We went to bed exhausted and had no problems falling asleep, even though I could barely contain my excitement for the next day's journey to the Magic Kingdom...

Seriously, Were Was I? Part II

Welcome to another installment in my continuing effort to fill people in on what I've been up to during my recent hiatus. I've already told you about my continuing battle to keep the lawn in check, but luckily for me it hasn't been all work and no play. Megan and I had been looking for the right time to escape for a few days and since our good friends Nathan Weinert and Katie Suttle were getting married in Alabama, we took that as excuse for a much needed vacation. I'll fill you in on Nate and Katie's wedding in a later post, but right now I'll share the details of what Megan and I were up to before that.

Megan and I decided that since we were heading South anyway, we'd take a little trip to Orlando and visit the theme parks, in particular Universal Islands of Adventure and "The Most Magical Place on Earth"© aka DisneyWorld. Now, I know that some of you are probably going "What the...?" at our choice, but let me give you a little background. First off, Megan and I love thrill rides. This is particularly amusing since Megan gets motion sick when riding in the front seat of a Jeep and I was once afraid of amusement park rides. Deathly afraid, in fact, until after we got married. Yes, I was still afraid of roller coasters when I was 24, alright! Quit snickering and we'll get on with it. Anyhow, I got over my fears at Cedar Poinin Sandusky, Ohio (which, for my money is the best roller coaster park in the world) and have been addicted ever since. Megan and I had such a good time there, that a couple of years later we checked out Magic Mountain in California as well. And since we were enjoying our time together at amusement parks so much, we decided to visit the Mecca of amusement parks, Orlando Florida.

Before leaving on our trip, Megan did some serious research on the best strategies for hitting the theme parks. She came up with a plan of attack that would have been the envy of any military strategist. Megan's plan not only broke down which parks to hit on which days, but the order in which to hit certain rides. The plan served us well, extremely well in fact, as we never waited in line for longer than 20 minutes (except when there were issues with the ride), but as with Napoleon and Waterloo, we had a bit of a misstep our first day there. We had wanted to hit The Disney Wildlife Refuge "on the way" from the airport to our condo, but due to bad Google Map directions, we ended up on a scenic drive that got us there too late. Undeterred, we stuck to our plan and were able to hit Universal Islands of Adventure the next morning running.

We got to Islands of Adventure the next morning just before it opened at 9:00 AM (after a wrong turn at DisneyWorld. Don't ask) and the first thing that struck me was the lack of a crowd. Since I had never been there before, I couldn't tell if it was because it wasn't that popular, or if the low numbers were due to it still being hurricane season. I'm willing to give Universal the benefit of the doubt here, since, as we would later find out, lines at DisneyWorld were abnormally short as well. The second thing was that how much of a wannabe DisneyWorld it was. To be fair, I think that most amusement parks are wannabe Disney Parks, but the way Islands was separeted into areas like Seuss Landing, Marvel Superhero Island, and Toon Lagoon really seemed to channel the way Disney's Magic Kingdom is separated into areas like Tomorrowland, Frontierland, and Fantasyland. The major differences being that Universal lacks the mystique and majesty of the Disney Parks and that their animatronics can't hold a candle to Disney's. Universal also dispenses with any veneer of being educational, which, depending on your point of view is either a plus or a minus.

One thing Islands definitely has going for it, though, are it's thrill rides. Sure, Universal makes a go of the family friendly stuff, but if you want that, go to Disney. If you're in Orlando, and you want thrill rides, Islands of Adventure is the place to be. The best of the bunch are the Incredible Hulk Coaster, the Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man, and the Dueling Dragons rollercoaster.

The Incredible Hulk Coaster is really just a run of the mill rollercoaster, but a damn fine one at that. By that I mean it doesn't really do anything fancy, you just buckle your safety belts, hang on, and enjoy the ride. It starts off by literally launching you up the track at around 60mph and doesn't seem to slow down until the ride comes to end. To be honest, I wasn't that impressed at first, but when we rode it a couple of more times, it grew on me. It was also the first ride we rode that day, and therefore the first ride of our vacation. It was definitely a heck of a way to kick things off.

The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man ride is sort of a simulator/track-ride hybrid that moves passengers around in a car through a set and incorporates projection screens and 3D effects to make it seem like you're in the middle of a fight between Spidey and some supervillains. It's hard to do it justice with words, but you can watch a video here. Even that video makes it look like it's just another simulator, but trust me, it's a one-of-a-kind ride that's innovative and almost worth the ticket to the park alone. It's so innovative, in fact, that I'd be surprised if Disney's Imagineers aren't working on similar rides for their parks. It's enough like a simulator, though, that it made Megan feel not-so-good, whereas I liked it enough to ride it twice.

That brings us to Dueling Dragons, which has a couple of things going for it. The first is that it's inverted, meaning instead of being in a car that sits on top of the track, the riders are suspended below the track with nothing but air under your feet. This is nothing new in the world of rollercoasters, but is definitely my favorite style. The second aspect that makes this coaster so fun is that ride actually consists otwo separateee coasters, switching back and forth close to each other, hence the "Dueling" part of Dueling Dragons. Both coasters are made to look like dragons as well, with one called Fire and the other Ice. Megan and I rode Ice only once, but took Fire for a spin three times. As you can probably tell by the fact that we rode multiple rides multiple times, we were not only having a good time, but because of Megan's game plan and low numbers of other riders, we pretty much had the run of the park.

Like I said, it was a good time, and if you're ever in the area and you like that sort of thing, you should check it out. However, it's not really worth making an entire trip for. Even with it's fair share of kickass rides, something that the more family friendly DisneyWorld doesn't really have, there's not really that much to do there. In fact, even with riding pretty much every ride at least once and riding certain rides several times, Megan and I left the park around 6:00. Which was nice, since we were able to recuperate somewhat before we left the real world behind for the "Magical World of Disney"©. More on that next time!

Seriously, Where Was I? Part I

As I stated in my previous post, I've been away. Not just from the blog, but actually away on vacation. I'll get to the vacation bit in a later post, but I just thought I'd fill you in on what else is going on in my exciting life. It's not all jet-setting, caviar, champagne, and the mile-high club. In fact, and I know this will come as a shock to most of you, it's not any of those things (well, maybe it's a couple of those things). In actuality, my life has once again been consumed by yardwork.

Now, yardwork is one of those things that most of us do at some point in our lives. Even those of us who don't currently live in a house probably mowed the yard or did some raking growing up. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. But something funny has happened to me and the other guys I know who own houses: when we get together we talk about our yards. What is going on? Can you imagine anything more boring to talk about? I'm sure that you could if you really tried, but it's got to rank pretty high on the list of boring conversation topics. In fact, I can't believe I'm writing about it, much less that you're actually reading this!

And you know what makes it worse? We really get into it when when we're talking about. It's almost like war vets getting together and swapping stories. Spending almost obscene amounts of money on getting your lawn to look halfway decent become battle scars and badges of honor. It's gotten to the point that we talk about it when we should be having fun! The most egregious example of this has to be Josh's bachelor party. A group of us went to the Horseshoe Casino in Council Bluffs to celebrate Josh and Katie's upcoming nuptials and guess what we did? If you guessed act like drunken buffoons and howl at women, well, you'd at least have guessed what we were expected to be doing. Instead, we talked about aerating and overseeding! Now, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's definitely something I would never have seen myself doing even a year ago. I'm sure that to a septuagenarian that's a wild night out, but for a twentysomething, it's a bit hard to fathom. And that's not to say that Josh's party wasn't fun, it was a great time, but I'm just saying if you read a transcript of our discussion, you would have thought it was from a bridge club, not a bachelor party.

I'm not going to bore you any further by going into any great detail about what I've yardwork I've been doing, just that it involves aerating and overseeding. It's definitely something that needed to be done, but it's not actually something that needed to be done by me. You see, right now I have a contract with TrueGreen Chemlawn and they offer an aeration/overseeding service for just under $200. That sounded a little pricey, and with Megan and I go going on vacation, I thought I'd save us some money and do it myself. Didn't quite work out that way. No, I actually ended up spending more money by trying to do it myself. This is starting to become a pattern (Anyone remember when I tried to fix the toilet? After going through all of this with the toilet, I tried to fix it and then had to go through this). I'm beginning to think I'm a living Mastercard ad:

Aerating: $40

Seed: $130

Fertilizer: $50

Paying TrueGreen to do all of that for you for less money and so that you don't have to be out working in the yard so you could actually be crossing off one of the other ten million things from your to-do list? Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's Mastercard.

Okay, the "Priceless" part gets a bit wordy, but you get the point. The less of this crap I have to do the better, and if someone's out there that can do it cheaper, all the better. Oh, and next time you hear me talking about some home improvement project I'm about to undertake, do whatever is in your power to stop me. Remind me that I'm not in the least bit "handy," and that having someone else do it is probably a good idea. I'll thank you for it later.

Now, if I've just bored you to tears or if you have no idea what I'm talking about, that's a good thing. You're one of the lucky ones, because once you buy a house, and start having to maintain it, there's no turning back. There's no turning back and you become the very thing you swore you never would: your parents. Who needs Halloween? That's scary enough to keep me up at night...

Now, Where Was I?

Turns out people actually read my blog and have been wondering why I haven't posted in a considerable amount of time (an entire month to be exact). The reasons are multiple, but mostly it's been a combination of being really busy and having a bit of writer's block.

I was talking about it with Megan last night, and I told her that I really don't know how columnists do it. They write about something every day. I'm sure that there's more of incentive there as they actually get paid to do it, whereas I obviously don't. But more than that, they are usually paid to write columns about rather specific stuff. You know, entertainment, politics, etiquette, etc. I, on the other hand get to write about whatever I want. And while this grants me with endless possibilities, for some reason I've really hard a hard time settling on something to write about.

So, I guess I'm asking for anyone that visits this blog to drop me a line and let me know what you the reader think. If you've read one of my posts and want more of something similar, or if there's something floating around out there you'd like to get my take on, just let me know. Any input will be greatly appreciated.

In the meantime, I've got a couple of topics up my sleeve that I'll be posting on shortly. Might not be until next week, though, as this weekend is shaping up to be rather busy with Katie and Josh's wedding festivities. I just wanted to drop by, say 'hi,' and let everyone who let me know that they missed me, that I missed them, too.