More Than Meets The Eye?

So, despite my promise to return with something more substantive, I'm going to instead give you my review of Transformers. And nothing could be less substantive, I know, but I love me some Transformers, so what are you going to do? I mean, I've loved Transformers for almost as long as I can remember. Anyone else remember the first Transformers mini-series? Back in 1983, this was the talk of the playground. All the kids with cable (of which I was not one) would giddily re-enact fights between transforming robots who could make energy weapons with their hands. I didn't see a single episode until the summer when, by chance, I caught the episodes during the Bozo The Clown Show. I was hooked. From then on, every time I would go to video store (I miss Captain Video, by the way), I would check for the newest release from the series. I loved everything about it; the animation, the characters, that sound effect when they transformed, the voices, everything. Okay, maybe not all the voices, because Jazz and Starscream (who sounded a helluva lot like Cobra Commander) were kind of annoying, but Optimus Prime, Ironhide, and Soundwave? Freakin' awesome.

So, with all that love in my heart, I of course saw Transformers: The Movie on opening day. No, no, not the one that came out last week, but the original animated feature that was released in 1986. It simultaneously blew my mind and broke my heart. The animation was some of the coolest I had ever seen (and it actually holds up pretty well today), and the story actually had a great arc filled with heroism, pathos, self-sacrifice, responsibility, and redemption. I mean, I almost cried when Optimus Prime died, man! That's how invested the creators had made you in their characters. My favorite memory of seeing the movie in the theatre, however, has nothing to do with the movie itself. I don't remember why, but for some reason, my dad had dropped my mom and I off to get tickets and seats ahead of him. As a result, he ended up buying a single ticket 20 minutes after the movie had started. According to the story my dad told us after the movie, the exchange went something like this:

My Dad: One ticket for Transformers, please.
Girl At Ticket Window (laughing): Ha, ha, ha, really, what movie?
My Dad: Seriously, one ticket for Transformers.
Girl At Ticket Window (bursts into laughter. Stops laughing. Tries desperately to keep from laughing): Ahem. That'll, that'll be $3.50, please.
My Dad (hands her the money): I'm meeting my wife and kid...
Girl At Ticket Window (snickering, trying not to laugh): Sure...hee hee hee...ahem...enjoy the show!
(My dad then leaves the ticket window. The girl, no longer able to control herself, bursts in laughter, the sound of which follows my dad as he enters the theatre.)

Anyhow, that brings us to last night when I took in Steven Spielberg's and Michael Bay's Transformers. And guess who I brought along? That's right, my dad. Katie and Joshimus, I mean, Josh came along, too, but my dad being there brought along a special feeling on nostalgia that really helped get my goodwill flowing toward enjoying the movie.

So, how was it? Well, it's a bit of a mixed bag really. I'll start with the good. It looked amazing. Seriously, from start to finish, top to bottom, every special effect looked real. I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined a live-action Transformers movie that would convince me that Transformers could work in real life. In that respect, the movie definitely delivered. And the fights! Man, when the Autobots and Decepticons were trading blows, I had to keep the 9-year-old boy inside me from yelling "F@ck Yeah!" out at the top of his lungs (I mean, come on, it's okay when I scream it, but I'd have to wash his mouth out with soap). Plus, Peter Cullen was back as the voice of Optimus Prime. He is THE voice and I was ecstatic that they brought him back on board for the live-action version. Aside from the Transformers themselves, though, there was also a pretty great bit of acting delivered by Mr. Shia LaBeouf. I'm not sure that he's the next Tom Hanks as he was touted by Vanity Fair, but that kid has chops. Other than that, the girls were hot, so that's always a plus. Oh, and it was actually pretty funny, too.

The bad? Well, it's a Michael Bay movie. I know that sounds cliché and dismissive, but hear me out. I think Michael Bay has talent. Loads of talent, in fact. Visually, his movies are stunning. His use of slow motion, quick cuts, and camera moves is truly breathtaking. Seriously. Put in Pearl Harbor some night and watch it with the sound off, and tell me it's not a gorgeous movie. Unfortunately for Bay, silent movies aren't really en vogue these days. Elements like dialogue and story are pretty important, so his movies are never really that great. It seems part of what makes Michael Bay, Michael Bay is his short attention span. Visually, this makes his movies interesting. For instance, he never lingers on a shot for too long. It's almost as though he's saying "You think that shots cool? Well, how about this? Now this? What about this, this, or this?" It truly is dazzling. That said, his short attention span gets him into trouble when crafting a story. In Transformers, you have what seems like a hundred subplots and characters the movie keeps bouncing between. As a result, you care very little about any of them. Shia LaBeouf's storyline somehow overcomes this, but that's about it. You really don't care about anyone else outside of that arc, which is a shame. I mean, if I didn't already love the Transformers going into the movie, I would have had no investment in the characters of any of the Autobots (with the exception of Bumblebee, because of LaBeouf's subplot) and they're the guys we're supposed to be rooting for! I wanted Optimus Prime to win, because going into the movie I already wanted Optimus Prime to win. Trust me, I'm not ruining anything here by telling you at one point, one of the Autobots dies. I'm not ruining anything because you, like me, simply will not care, because his character had absolutely zero substance. And I know this sounds really geeky, nitpicky, and fanboy-ish but, really, when a cartoon movie that was made in 1986 to essentially to sell more toys has a better story arc and characterization, maybe you should go back to the drawing board. Cut out ALL the subplots with hackers and computer viruses and the Secretary of Defense, and not only would you get a tighter, more concise movie, but you'd cut down on the way-too-long running time. Hey, I'm all for 2 hours and 23 minutes of robots kicking ass, but when a lot of that runtime is eaten up by people sitting at computers talking about viruses and Anthony Anderson being "funny," you need to leave that crap on the cutting room floor. That screen time would have been far better spent actually developing the characters of the heroes of the movie.

So, what's the final verdict then? Well, after leaving the theatre my dad says to me, "I thought it was pretty good. What did you think?" I replied that it was an adolescent fantasy full of hot girls, explosions, car chases, and robots. And that yes, I thought it was pretty good, too. But that's all it was, pretty good.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

I know I should just be happy that it didn't suck (which I am) and that this probably sounds strange coming from someone who recently spent an entire post talking about how great the Die Hard series of movies are. On the surface, there's not really much difference between Transformers and Live Free Or Die Hard. Both have clear-cut good guys fighting clear-cut bad guys with lots of explosions, guns, jets, trucks, and car chases. Hell, they even both feature computer hackers and government officials. But what sets the Die Hard movies apart is the characterization (i.e. it actually has some). They have characters that you can actually identify and empathize with. And for those that think its simply that the Transformers are robots, not people, and are therefore harder to care about, I say this: The Iron Giant, Terminator 2:Judgement Day, Star Wars, and even the original Transformers managed to make you care about the fate of their robot characters.

Don't get me wrong, I thought Transformers was a fun, popcorn movie. And as such, I'm probably being a little too hard on it. I'd definitely even watch it again, if only to see the wicked awesome fight scenes again. But if you're looking for something that's "More than meets the eye," you better look somewhere else. Because with Transformers, what you see is what you get.

I'm A "Die Harder" Like My Man Bruce Willis

Every so often, I get caught up in a frenzy surrounding an event. I buy into the hype, and then dial my excitement up to 10. Sometimes it's for new albums, sometimes it's for concerts, but most of the time it's for movies. For instance, remember the debacle that was Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace? (Hopefully, you don't, Lord knows I wish I could forget it.) Anyhow, I allowed my manic fandom (at the time) of everything Star Wars to cloud my judgment and went along with my good friend Ryan Bruce to see the movie 3 times opening day. 3 frikkin' times! Trust me, if I had my way, after the first time I would have called it good, but since we camped out to get our tickets weeks in advance, we had to use them, right? Don't get me wrong, it was actually a good time, but I just wish the movie could have at least measured up to one-tenth of my expectations.

So, lesson learned, right? After the Star Wars fiasco, you'd think I'd be able to at least reign in whatever part of me that makes me act like that. And for the most part, you'd be right. I haven't camped out for Star Wars tickets since. That said, I did let myself get a little amped for the latest installment of the Die Hard Franchise: Live Free or Die Hard. And by a little bit, I mean a lot. Enough to watch all Die Hard movies, in reverse order (I'll explain later), watch an old Ben Stiller show skit called Die Hard 12: Die Hungry, and watch this video almost incessantly:



So, what can I say? Maybe the video had something to do with it, I don't know. But what I do know is John McClane kicks ass. If that video doesn't prove it, I don't know what does. And since Max agrees with me wholeheartedly, I enlisted him to Live Free or Die Hard right along with me, to which he happily complied. But first, since it had been 12 years since John McClane last graced the silver screen, we felt we needed a bit of a refresher on the previous films. Since both of us have seen the original Die Hard countless times, but had pretty vague recollections of the other 2, we thought it best to start with one of them. And since we both remembered Die Hard 2: Die Harder sucking worse than Die Hard With A Vengeance (aka Die Hard 3), we opted to watch the third film first. The next night, Max dropped out and I watched Die Harder with Megan. The following night, I completed the series by watching the original Die Hard by myself. And finally yesterday, all three of us went to Cinema Center and took in Live Free Or Die Hard.

So, if you're thinking about seeing the new one, but the last 12 years have left you a little hazy on the the specifics of the other films, don't worry, you've come to the right place. After spending the better part of a week with John McClane, I can get you up to speed pretty quickly. Just watch that YouTube video again, or read my brief reviews below:

Die Hard

I know I've written about this extensively in the past, so if you want a more in-depth analysis go here. Otherwise, all you need to know is that Bruce Willis stars as New York Detective John McClane. He goes to visit his estranged wife and kids in LA for Christmas. After going to meet his wife at her office Christmas party European terrorists take over the building and John McClane saves hostages (including his wife) by essentially running around with no shoes on, crawling around in air ducts, getting the shit kicked out of him, and shooting a lot. This movie also introduced the phrase "Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker." That synopsis doesn't do the movie much justice, as it kicks all sorts of ass, but I'll leave it at that.

Rating: 4.5 (out of 5)

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Before I rented this one last week, I had only seen it once when I went with my dad to see it at Indian Hills on the big screen. That same night, we then went and saw the Dolph Lundgren masterpiece I Come In Peace at the Westroads. Even though I was 13 at the time, saw it the best theatre I've ever seen a movie in, and could compare it to I Come In Peace, I still didn't think it was that great. And guess what? The intervening 17 years did not change my opinion much. Let me put it this way: Have you seen Die Hard? If the answer is yes, you've pretty much seen Die Hard 2. It's still Christmas, Willis's John McClane still crawls around in air ducts, gets the shit kicked out of him, shoots a lot, and once again saves the hostages (including his wife). He also says the phrase "Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker." I mean, both the cop that helped McClane and the douche bag reporter from the original are even back this time. The only differences, really, are that it takes place at Dulles airport, the terrorists this time are rogue American soldiers, the setting is more wide open so it loses the claustrophobia of the first film, and the snappy dialogue from the original is replaced by guys saying "fuck" a lot. Oh, and John McClane wears a black tank top instead of a white one. There, I've just saved you a couple bucks in rental fees. To be fair it's entertaining enough. There's a couple of pretty badass scenes and a nice twist at the end. Heck, Megan enjoyed it, but she hasn't seen Die Hard in a long, long time. But in the end it's far, far inferior to Die Hard and much too derivative to be a worthy successor.

Rating: 2 (out of 5)

Die Hard With A Vengeance

Like Die Hard 2, the only other time I saw this one previously was in the theatre. Way back in 1995, Nick, Zach, (and I think Nate, but I'm not sure) and I cut class and saw this opening day. Much like I was with Die Hard 2, I was pretty underwhelmed. Max, too, remembered this installment not being up to snuff, but after watching it again last week on video we realized just how wrong we both were, because DHWAV kicks ass. For this installment, European terrorists are back in the mix and Willis's John McClane is forced to complete various tasks to keep them from blowing up bombs throughout New York City. This time he has help in the form of Harlem-based electrician Zeuss Carver, played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. This movie opens up the setting even more than Die Hard 2, but makes up for that by confining McClane and Carver through the use of a ticking clock. For instance, can McClane and Carver make it across town in 20 minutes during rush hour to stop a bomb? It's a very effective technique the restores much of the tension and hopelessness of the first film. Also, the snappy dialogue from the first film is back, and who better to deliver it in spades than Samuel L. and Bruce Willis? The fact that this film pretty much dismisses the second installment also gives it bonus cool points. Plus, we once again get to see McClane fight terrorists, get the shit kicked out of him, shoot a lot, and hear him utter the immortal phrase "Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker."

Rating: 4 (out of 5)

Live Free Or Die Hard aka Die Hard 4.0

Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for, where I answer the question of whether Live Free Or Die Hard is a worthwhile follow-up in the franchise. The answer is a resounding, unequivocal "yes." Now, I don't want to give anything away, but in the new movie Bruce Willis's John McClane fights terrorists, gets the shit kicked out of him, and shoots a lot (hope I didn't ruin anything for you there). They mix it up this time a little though. Instead of setting it on Christmas, they chose Independence Day and the terrorists, get this, are both American and European. And they're not your run-of-the-mill terrorists either, they're cyber-terrorists. This may seem a little cliché these days, but in the context of Die Hard, it totally works. You see, John McClane has always been characterized as a throwback, "A Timex watch in the digital age," as they put it in this film, and what better way to highlight this than have an old-school cop fight high-tech thieves?

This movie feels more like a successor to Die Hard With A Vengeance, in that the setting is once again pretty wide-open and McClane is teamed with sidekick of sorts. The sidekick this time is a physically inept hacker played by Justin Long (of Ed fame and more recently the Mac in Apple commercials). And once again, the interplay between the two characters is highly entertaining. This movie ups the ante, though, in the terrorist threat department with the safety of the entire country at risk and, in a throwback to the original Die Hard, McClane must also deal with a specific threat to the life of a family member. This time, the terrorists make the mistake of making it personal by kidnapping his daughter (played with fiery defiance by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, most recently of Grindhouse).

But does it kick ass? Yes, my friends it kicks ass. This one kicks ass almost from the word go. The stunts and action pieces are dialed up to 10. Is some of it unbelievable? You bet. But by this time, you expect John McClane to do the unbelievable and you'll be having so much fun you won't care. Plus, the film gets bonus cool points by placing McClane back in an elevator shaft and, in a fashion, an air duct. Not only that, but we're also treated to even more pretty great references to the other movies, as well.

One thing about the movie a lot of people have complained about is the fact that it's PG-13 and not R. To this I say, you won't miss it. Seriously, if you've seen any of the Bourne movies, or even Mission Impossible 3, you'll know how hardcore PG-13 movies can be these days. At no point during those films, or LFODH, did I say to myself, "This is pretty good, but it would be so much better if it was R." The only major difference it made, was that this time, you only get to hear John say "Yippee-kay-yay mother..." but when it happens, it's so badass, it may be the best delivery of the line yet. And if it's that big of a deal to you, feel free to finish his sentence for him.

In the end, I really dug this movie. It wasn't anything mindblowing or groundbreaking, but it's a Die Hard movie and that's not what I go see them for. I go to see Bruce Willis's John McClane fight terrorists, get the shit kicked out of him, and shoot a lot. And this movie delivered. So far, it's the best action movie of the summer, if not the most enjoyable and satisfying franchise picture, to boot. That may sound like faint praise, but in a summer full of threequels, it's actually saying something. So far, it's the only one of it's kind that I actually want to see again.

Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

That's probably enough Die Hard for now. I'll be back with something more substantive next time, I promise. Until then, my friends, remember in life we have 2 choices, we can Live Free Or Die Hard. I'm not actually sure what that means, but I'm sure those are words to live by... or at least die hard by.