More Than Meets The Eye?

So, despite my promise to return with something more substantive, I'm going to instead give you my review of Transformers. And nothing could be less substantive, I know, but I love me some Transformers, so what are you going to do? I mean, I've loved Transformers for almost as long as I can remember. Anyone else remember the first Transformers mini-series? Back in 1983, this was the talk of the playground. All the kids with cable (of which I was not one) would giddily re-enact fights between transforming robots who could make energy weapons with their hands. I didn't see a single episode until the summer when, by chance, I caught the episodes during the Bozo The Clown Show. I was hooked. From then on, every time I would go to video store (I miss Captain Video, by the way), I would check for the newest release from the series. I loved everything about it; the animation, the characters, that sound effect when they transformed, the voices, everything. Okay, maybe not all the voices, because Jazz and Starscream (who sounded a helluva lot like Cobra Commander) were kind of annoying, but Optimus Prime, Ironhide, and Soundwave? Freakin' awesome.

So, with all that love in my heart, I of course saw Transformers: The Movie on opening day. No, no, not the one that came out last week, but the original animated feature that was released in 1986. It simultaneously blew my mind and broke my heart. The animation was some of the coolest I had ever seen (and it actually holds up pretty well today), and the story actually had a great arc filled with heroism, pathos, self-sacrifice, responsibility, and redemption. I mean, I almost cried when Optimus Prime died, man! That's how invested the creators had made you in their characters. My favorite memory of seeing the movie in the theatre, however, has nothing to do with the movie itself. I don't remember why, but for some reason, my dad had dropped my mom and I off to get tickets and seats ahead of him. As a result, he ended up buying a single ticket 20 minutes after the movie had started. According to the story my dad told us after the movie, the exchange went something like this:

My Dad: One ticket for Transformers, please.
Girl At Ticket Window (laughing): Ha, ha, ha, really, what movie?
My Dad: Seriously, one ticket for Transformers.
Girl At Ticket Window (bursts into laughter. Stops laughing. Tries desperately to keep from laughing): Ahem. That'll, that'll be $3.50, please.
My Dad (hands her the money): I'm meeting my wife and kid...
Girl At Ticket Window (snickering, trying not to laugh): Sure...hee hee hee...ahem...enjoy the show!
(My dad then leaves the ticket window. The girl, no longer able to control herself, bursts in laughter, the sound of which follows my dad as he enters the theatre.)

Anyhow, that brings us to last night when I took in Steven Spielberg's and Michael Bay's Transformers. And guess who I brought along? That's right, my dad. Katie and Joshimus, I mean, Josh came along, too, but my dad being there brought along a special feeling on nostalgia that really helped get my goodwill flowing toward enjoying the movie.

So, how was it? Well, it's a bit of a mixed bag really. I'll start with the good. It looked amazing. Seriously, from start to finish, top to bottom, every special effect looked real. I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined a live-action Transformers movie that would convince me that Transformers could work in real life. In that respect, the movie definitely delivered. And the fights! Man, when the Autobots and Decepticons were trading blows, I had to keep the 9-year-old boy inside me from yelling "F@ck Yeah!" out at the top of his lungs (I mean, come on, it's okay when I scream it, but I'd have to wash his mouth out with soap). Plus, Peter Cullen was back as the voice of Optimus Prime. He is THE voice and I was ecstatic that they brought him back on board for the live-action version. Aside from the Transformers themselves, though, there was also a pretty great bit of acting delivered by Mr. Shia LaBeouf. I'm not sure that he's the next Tom Hanks as he was touted by Vanity Fair, but that kid has chops. Other than that, the girls were hot, so that's always a plus. Oh, and it was actually pretty funny, too.

The bad? Well, it's a Michael Bay movie. I know that sounds cliché and dismissive, but hear me out. I think Michael Bay has talent. Loads of talent, in fact. Visually, his movies are stunning. His use of slow motion, quick cuts, and camera moves is truly breathtaking. Seriously. Put in Pearl Harbor some night and watch it with the sound off, and tell me it's not a gorgeous movie. Unfortunately for Bay, silent movies aren't really en vogue these days. Elements like dialogue and story are pretty important, so his movies are never really that great. It seems part of what makes Michael Bay, Michael Bay is his short attention span. Visually, this makes his movies interesting. For instance, he never lingers on a shot for too long. It's almost as though he's saying "You think that shots cool? Well, how about this? Now this? What about this, this, or this?" It truly is dazzling. That said, his short attention span gets him into trouble when crafting a story. In Transformers, you have what seems like a hundred subplots and characters the movie keeps bouncing between. As a result, you care very little about any of them. Shia LaBeouf's storyline somehow overcomes this, but that's about it. You really don't care about anyone else outside of that arc, which is a shame. I mean, if I didn't already love the Transformers going into the movie, I would have had no investment in the characters of any of the Autobots (with the exception of Bumblebee, because of LaBeouf's subplot) and they're the guys we're supposed to be rooting for! I wanted Optimus Prime to win, because going into the movie I already wanted Optimus Prime to win. Trust me, I'm not ruining anything here by telling you at one point, one of the Autobots dies. I'm not ruining anything because you, like me, simply will not care, because his character had absolutely zero substance. And I know this sounds really geeky, nitpicky, and fanboy-ish but, really, when a cartoon movie that was made in 1986 to essentially to sell more toys has a better story arc and characterization, maybe you should go back to the drawing board. Cut out ALL the subplots with hackers and computer viruses and the Secretary of Defense, and not only would you get a tighter, more concise movie, but you'd cut down on the way-too-long running time. Hey, I'm all for 2 hours and 23 minutes of robots kicking ass, but when a lot of that runtime is eaten up by people sitting at computers talking about viruses and Anthony Anderson being "funny," you need to leave that crap on the cutting room floor. That screen time would have been far better spent actually developing the characters of the heroes of the movie.

So, what's the final verdict then? Well, after leaving the theatre my dad says to me, "I thought it was pretty good. What did you think?" I replied that it was an adolescent fantasy full of hot girls, explosions, car chases, and robots. And that yes, I thought it was pretty good, too. But that's all it was, pretty good.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

I know I should just be happy that it didn't suck (which I am) and that this probably sounds strange coming from someone who recently spent an entire post talking about how great the Die Hard series of movies are. On the surface, there's not really much difference between Transformers and Live Free Or Die Hard. Both have clear-cut good guys fighting clear-cut bad guys with lots of explosions, guns, jets, trucks, and car chases. Hell, they even both feature computer hackers and government officials. But what sets the Die Hard movies apart is the characterization (i.e. it actually has some). They have characters that you can actually identify and empathize with. And for those that think its simply that the Transformers are robots, not people, and are therefore harder to care about, I say this: The Iron Giant, Terminator 2:Judgement Day, Star Wars, and even the original Transformers managed to make you care about the fate of their robot characters.

Don't get me wrong, I thought Transformers was a fun, popcorn movie. And as such, I'm probably being a little too hard on it. I'd definitely even watch it again, if only to see the wicked awesome fight scenes again. But if you're looking for something that's "More than meets the eye," you better look somewhere else. Because with Transformers, what you see is what you get.