More Toilet Humor

So last week, I was house sitting at my dad's while he and his wife Brenda absconded on a Caribbean Cruise. I had to look after my stepsister Janice as well. It wasn't that bad, more of annoyance really, since I would simply rather be at home with my wife and sleeping in my own bed. But when I came home, instead of finding the comfort and familiarity I was missing, I found a shithole.

No, I don't mean that while I was gone, that Megan really let the place get messy. No, I mean that where our bathroom toilet in the basement used to be, the was now a hole. A hole where shit goes, aka a shithole.

How did this happen? Well, as you may or may not know, our downstairs toilet has been a source of concern for the Thom household. I tried to fix it myself, but I just couldn't get it to stop leaking from the base of the tank. When I was finally able solve that problem, it turned out that I had been a bit overzealous in attaching the tank to the seat, and cracked the tank. So, in fixing one problem, I had created another. So, it was either: a) try and find a new tank and risk making the same mistake, or b) just replace the entire, and frankly rather fucked up, toilet. We went with b). And this time, we decided to do it right and have a plumber install it. Sounds simple, right? If you said yes, you either a) don't own a home or b) haven't been reading my blog.

Since I was housesitting, Megan was the one left overseeing the toilet install. Everything was going fine, until the plumber came upstairs and said to her, "Um, ma'am...can you come take a look at something?" I'm not sure, but I think next to "Oh shit! She's gonna blow!" those are the last words you want to hear from your plumber. Megan went downstairs to investigate. What she found, ultimately became the talk of the plumbing shop.

Now, I don't know how familiar you actually are with you toilets. Sure, you stand over them, stand on them, sit on them, and occasionally kneel before them, and maybe even hug them. Up until I bought a house and inherited a busted-ass toilet, I didn't know that much about them myself. So, just to review, let's go over the basic construction of a standard toilet. You have a toilet, it's hooked up in the back to a water supply line for water coming in and it's attached at the bottom to a sewage pipe. The sewage pipe is sealed with a wax ring, and the toilet is bolted to the floor. At least, that's how it's supposed to be done.

Apparently, the moron who installed our toilets assumed that they would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, in a million years break. You know how we know this? Because instead of using wax seal and bolts to secure the toilet, he set it in cement. Our toilet was set in fucking cement! The plumber was able to remove the tank, of course, and he was able to remove most of toilet down to the base through sheer brute force and something we like to call a sledgehammer. But that was as far as the plumber could get. The rest was beyond him, he would have to call for back-up. Oh, and he estimated it would probably cost about $1000 to actually fix it.

So, that's where he left it. He called his boss, who came out a couple of days later to take a look. He concluded that the best course of action would be to demo out a hole around the sewer pipe to get rid of the rest of the toilet, re-lay some concrete and then install the toilet. Therefore, something that should have taken at most about an hour, would now take at least two appointments. The good news is it would only cost about $300. The bad news is our schedules don't match until Monday, April 3.

Thus, we have a shithole in our basement. A shithole stuffed with newspaper to prevent sewer gas from seeping into our house, stinking up the joint, and possibly killing us. Ahh, the joys of home ownership....

Favorite Reads of '05: Part II

I know that the suspense has been killing all of you, so I'm just going to get right into it. This is a list of my favorite works of fiction that I read in 2005. Keep in mind that it's just stuff I read in 2005, not that came out in 2005 (I'm not sure that I made that clear last time). Anyhow, I've also split 'em into subcategories this time. It should be self-explanatory. Enjoy.

Favorite Fiction of 2005

Favorite Novel
Everything Is Illuminated: A Novel - Jonathan Safran Foer
This one sorta wins by default, as I think that it was the only novel that I read this year. Which is not to say that it isn't any good, because it is, it's just it didn't really have any competition. This book is hard to describe, but I'll do my best. The novel basically centers around a fictional character named Jonathan Safran Foer and his search in the Ukraine for a "lost" Jewish shtetl and a woman who saved his grandfather from the Nazis. This story unfolds in the form of letters written to Jonathan from the tour guide who helped him on his search. The letters are written in broken english and are often hilarious. The letter portions of the novel are interspersed with portions of a novel that Jonathan was writing about the shtetl before the Nazis. I know this may sound disjointed, but it actually works most of the time, especially as both story threads build to their own respective climaxes. When Foer the author, is on, he's great. Parts of the book are brilliant. It's touching, and funny, and even at times horrifying. There are some missteps along the way, but in all it's an engrossing and imaginative read.

Favorite Collected Edition
Bone: One Volume Edition - Jeff Smith
This edition collects the entire 13 years worth of the comic series Bone into one volume. It's truly 1300 pages of joy. The best way to describe it is "Lord of The Rings as seen through the eyes of Carl Barks." I know most of you have no idea what that means, but trust me it's a good thing. Obviously influenced by the work of Tolkien, Smith brings out an emotional resonance with his characters that Tolkien never could. This is no mean feat, especially considering the main characters, the Bone Cousins, are rather silly looking cartoon characters. Speaking of which, it's a hell of a lot funnier than The Lord of The Rings, too.

Favorite Comic Book Series
Daredevil - Brian Michael Bendis and Alex Maleev
I love Daredevil. I have for a long time, ever since I had the chicken pox in 5th grade as a matter of fact. Because before my parents shipped me and brother off to the farm to be looked after by our grandparents, my dad got me a collected edition of Daredevil: Born Again. It was one of the best comic stories I've read up until then, and one of the best I've read since. I was hooked. Born Again was written by Frank Miller and drawn by Dave Mazzucchelli, and unfortunately has pretty much cast a shadow over Daredevil ever since. Don't get me wrong, there were some great Daredevil stories, but by and large everybody just seemed to end up doing Born Again... again. Well, finally, two creators stepped out from under the shadow, and lo and behold, they did something new. They've been on the book together for several years now, and it's always been compelling reading, but this past year, they really kicked it up a notch. They finished their run on the title about 2 months ago, and I'm sure that someday some kid with chicken pox will read their run on the title and get hooked on Daredevil just like me. Hopefully, unlike me, they never see the movie, though...

Best Reprint
Watchmen (Absolute Edition) - Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
Hands down the greatest example of visual storytelling I have ever read. I bought the original 12 issue mini-series back in the early 90s and have read it at least 20 times since. Every time I read it I notice something new, some little detail in a panel on page 4 that relates to something on page 364. For those of you that don't believe superheroes and literature can go hand in hand, read this and see if it doesn't change your mind. This particular edition is nice, because you have the entire series in one volume. Plus it's been enlarged and digitally recolored. It simply looks amazing. Not only does in come in a slipcase, but at 464 pages and weighing in at 5.5 lbs, you won't be embarrassed to have it displayed on your bookshelf. Finally, the treatment that a work of it's quality deserves.

Best Original Graphic Novel
Goldenboy - Max Riffner
Sorry, but this one has a special place in my heart. It is the first time that I have ever seen a graphic novel's creation from start to finish. I can still remember when it was just an idea that Max was kicking around. I remember him showing me his first few pages and asking for suggestions. I gave him some and he kept plugging away. He kept plugging away and he stopped asking for suggestions, and that's when I knew he had it. He had hit his stride, and once he hit it, he didn't need anybody else. That confidence really shows in the pages of Goldenboy, as does all the hard work Max put into it. Again, I might not be the best person to judge, since we've been "Best Man" in each other's respective weddings, so don't take my word for it. Read it yourself. See why Phil Hester is raving about it and why Markosia Comics signed Max because of it. But mostly, read it because it's good and you'll like it. I mean, come one, that's why you read books in the first place, right?

Okay, that's it, the last of my lists for last year. I hope you all enjoyed them. By the way, I love hearing movie/book/music recommendations, so if anyone else wants to make any suggestions, I'm all ears.

P For Provocative

If memory serves me correctly, Alan Moore's V For Vendetta is the first series I ever read by him. I may or may not have picked up a couple of Miracleman issues prior to V, but regardless, it blew my little 12-year-old mind away. I've read it several times, and it has always stuck with me as one of the most powerful comic series I have ever read. Pretty fucked up, sure, but powerful nonetheless. Although I didn't know it at the time, it would be the beginning of life-long love affair with Mr. Moore's work.

Having such high esteem for Moore's stories made me a little leery about what to expect from the movie version of V for Vendetta. And with good reason, since they changed the central thesis of the story. Alan Moore has a huge beef with the movie (even going as far as to have his name removed from the credits), because in his version of the story, V's goal is anarchy. V is struggling against a fascist police state in England and he doesn't just want to overthrow the government, he wants to abolish government altogether. The movie version is different. Some have written that the idea of anarchy has been replaced with one of democracy. Maybe, but I honestly feel that they left it ambiguous. Whatever the case, making something that was glaringly apparent and making it ambiguous constitutes quite a change. So, does that mean they ruined the movie? No, far from it. In fact, I actually liked the movie quite a bit.

Mind you I do have some complaints. The direction was fair to middling and the look of the movie just wasn't dark enough. V's England, as drawn by David Lloyd, was a dark and dreary place that threatened to swallow everything into it's inky depths, whereas the movie had this sort of super-clarity to it even in the most dimly lit scenes. It looked like it was directed by an assistant director of the Matrix Trilogy (probably because it was directed by an assistant director of the Matrix Trilogy, James McTeigue).

So, with all that going against it, why did I like it? First off, the direction wasn't that bad, it just wasn't that great. Second, I thought that it was well-acted. Natalie Portman especially put in a great performance, but the rest of the cast, made up of mostly unfamiliar (to most of Americans at least) British actors were solid as well. John Hurt is always great, as he is again in this film, and Stephen Rea delivered another standout performance as Chief Inspector Finch.

Mostly, though, I enjoyed V for Vendetta because I thought that it was well written. Some may cry heresy, but hear me out. Condensing a sprawling work of fiction into a 2 hour and 12 minute movie has got to be a daunting task, and I thought the Wachowski's handled it admirably. I really thought that the movie was well-paced and at the right moments pretty intense. They story moved along and hit all the right action notes, but never at the expense of character development.

Mostly, though, I think that I enjoyed the movie's ambiguity. I tend not to like movies that spell everything out for you. V, I feel gives you all of the parts and pieces, but lets you assemble them on your own. It throws a lot of big ideas at you and wants you to ask yourself some pretty deep questions.

The character of V has couple of platitudes that drive his actions in the course of the movie. The first is that you can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea. This is not a new theme for movies, and has been explored numerous times in films, from Batman Begins to Braveheart. Nothing new there, except this time around, you are more explicitly asked if when the chips were down, would you be willing to die for what you believed? Again, not a new concept, but nonetheless a worthwhile and challenging one.

Along the lines of being willing to die for one's cause, the character V posits people should not be afraid of their government, but rather the government should be afraid of it's people. To that end, V wages a one man war on his government, murdering officials and blowing up buildings. Make no mistake, V is terrorist. Therefore, the movie asks, can terrorism ever be a good thing? And by extension, do the ends justify the means?

These are bold questions to be asking in world where images of a burnt out Oklahoma City Federal Building, the skeletons of the Twin Towers, and roadside bombs in Iraq pervade our collective consciousness. I commend the movie for asking them, even as the answers scare me to death.

See the movie. Read the book. Make up your own mind as to whether or not the movie was worthwhile. Even those who will disagree with my opinions on the movie would have to agree, that's how V would want it.

29

Today is my birthday. The Big two nine. Whoopi-di-doo, right? For those of us under 30, 29 is probably the birthday least looked forward to. I mean, that's it, your last year of being twentysomething. I was talking to my cousin Matt (who is exactly 1 year and 364 days older than me) last night and he reminded me that 29 doesn't really mean anything. It's just a number. But that didn't really make me feel any better, I mean it means something, right?

Well, 29 must have meant something to Ryan Adams. As kind of a strange coincidence, Adams released a CD at the tail end of last year chronicling his twenties called, appropriately enough, 29. Why 29, you ask? Well, as I said before 29 is the last year of your twenties. So, it's a concept album containing 9 songs, each symbolizing a year in his twenties. Get it?

29 is the third in a series of releases put out by Adams in 2005. Last year also saw the release of the double-disc Cold Roses as well as the superb Jacksonville City Nights. From what I understand, Adams took Conor Oberst's release of 2 albums in 2005 as a challenge and decided to do him one better. Other than that, I have no idea why he decided to make an album about his twenties, especially since he was born in '74. But, I'm glad he did.

Which is not to say that 29 is a great album. It's not. Sure, it's got some great tracks on there, like Strawberry Wine and Carolina Rain, but it's not really that fun to listen too. Most of the songs are overlong and full of melancholy navel-gazing. So, why am I glad that I own it? Because it makes me feel much better when I listen to it.

Look, Ryan Adams is a star. Maybe not a huge star, but he dates actresses, has groupies, and makes a fair amount of money. And you know what? He's still crying about his twenties. Now listen, I really like Ryan Adams, I listen to his music a lot, but Jesus, get over it! There's no way your twenties were that bad. And even if they were, well, that makes mine look even better by comparison. And that makes me feel pretty good.

So far in my twenties, I graduated from college, got a design job, got married, and got a house. Yeah, maybe I didn't release any critically acclaimed albums, but I've still got Adams beat. Why? Because I'm pretty happy. Sure, there are things that I'd like to change, but I've got time to change them. If not in my twenties, then so what? I'm not planning on going anywhere for a while.

So, to my friends who are already 29 or will be shortly, I say don't sweat it. It's not "just a number." It means you've made this far. And if you feel like there's so much more you could or should be doing, being 29 just means there's still time to do it. Even if your twenties sucked, and are still sucking, just make sure that your takes steps to be happier by the time you're say, 32. Because if you're not any happier by then, you may just end up making a concept album about them.