Trees: Nature's Silent Assassins

Pictured above are 2 pictures of the trees in our front yard. And I don't know your thoughts on trees, but I bet you think that trees are just these majestic plants that stand around looking pretty and do helpful things like convert carbon dioxide into oxygen. I mean, it's something pretty close to that, right? Wrong. I'm here to tell you, trees will fuck your shit up.

Think I'm playing? Take some time and sit back and really think about it. Trees may look serene. They may appear motionless, barely even swaying in the breeze. But that's just a facade. The whole time you're sitting in the shade or even climbing in its branches, the tree is slowly advancing on you...underground. That's right, while you're walking around above ground, thinking you and the tree are all buddy-buddy, it's roots are reaching out trying to get into your pipes and into your foundation. It's slowly destroying your home and by the time you realize it, it's probably too late.

For some trees, this method is too subtle, too covert. These trees will wait and wait, all the while gaining your trust, all the while biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Then, when the time is right, say during a windstorm or another severe weather event, they spring into action "collapsing" onto your house. This can lead to extensive damage to your home, and may also kill the tree. But to the tree, it's all worth it, because by then it had totally become consumed by it's hate. I mean, why do you think the Unabomber hid in the woods? He may not be a tree, but he sure is one at heart. Live in where you fit in, as they say.

By now you're probably asking "Why? What did I do to the tree?" The answer is that you probably did nothing to the tree, but for one reason or another and through no fault of your own, the tree just doesn't like you. It's not just you, though, it's all of us. In fact, trees have always had it out for mankind. It true, even the Bible says so. Why did Adam and Eve get kicked out of the Garden of Eden? Because they ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Not the "Plant of Knowledge" or the "Bush of Knowledge." No, it was the TREE of Knowledge.

I know it's hard to believe, but again, think about it. Put the Bible aside and think about your own experiences with trees. Do you remember that time when you were a kid and you fell out of a tree you were climbing? Did the tree do anything to try to save you? Did it try to break your fall? Did it call for help when you hit the ground and had the wind knocked out of you or you broke your arm? No. No, it didn't.

"But that's not fair," you say. "Trees aren't thinking beings. They can't move at will. What you're suggesting is preposterous."

Maybe so. Maybe I'm just a crackpot like the Unabomber who should go hide in a cabin in the woods...well, probably not the woods, I mean why would I go into the lion's den? Okay, maybe I should hide in an undisclosed bunker or something. Whatever. But if I'm crazy and trees don't hate us, then why do they wait all year, growing and storing their leaves until it starts to get shitty out and then "BAM!" they take a huge dump on our yards? And it's not just one quick dump, no it's a "I'm taking something to read with me, like War and Peace" dump. I was outside for 3 hours raking and bagging that shit on Saturday. And not only are the trees both still full of leaves, but by Sunday evening you couldn't even tell I raked at all. Friggin' awesome.

The whole thing wouldn't have been so bad, if they weren't laughing at me the whole time. No, I'm not going crazy, I mean I didn't actually hear them laughing, but I could tell they thought that shit was funny. Well, it isn't funny, and I'll tell you what, if they don't clean up their act, I'm not aerating the yard next year, either. Two can play at this game.

For more information on the evilness of trees, please visit The Honorable Anti-Arborial Association, which despite misspelling it's own name, is quite informative and entertaining.