I'm A "Die Harder" Like My Man Bruce Willis

Every so often, I get caught up in a frenzy surrounding an event. I buy into the hype, and then dial my excitement up to 10. Sometimes it's for new albums, sometimes it's for concerts, but most of the time it's for movies. For instance, remember the debacle that was Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace? (Hopefully, you don't, Lord knows I wish I could forget it.) Anyhow, I allowed my manic fandom (at the time) of everything Star Wars to cloud my judgment and went along with my good friend Ryan Bruce to see the movie 3 times opening day. 3 frikkin' times! Trust me, if I had my way, after the first time I would have called it good, but since we camped out to get our tickets weeks in advance, we had to use them, right? Don't get me wrong, it was actually a good time, but I just wish the movie could have at least measured up to one-tenth of my expectations.

So, lesson learned, right? After the Star Wars fiasco, you'd think I'd be able to at least reign in whatever part of me that makes me act like that. And for the most part, you'd be right. I haven't camped out for Star Wars tickets since. That said, I did let myself get a little amped for the latest installment of the Die Hard Franchise: Live Free or Die Hard. And by a little bit, I mean a lot. Enough to watch all Die Hard movies, in reverse order (I'll explain later), watch an old Ben Stiller show skit called Die Hard 12: Die Hungry, and watch this video almost incessantly:



So, what can I say? Maybe the video had something to do with it, I don't know. But what I do know is John McClane kicks ass. If that video doesn't prove it, I don't know what does. And since Max agrees with me wholeheartedly, I enlisted him to Live Free or Die Hard right along with me, to which he happily complied. But first, since it had been 12 years since John McClane last graced the silver screen, we felt we needed a bit of a refresher on the previous films. Since both of us have seen the original Die Hard countless times, but had pretty vague recollections of the other 2, we thought it best to start with one of them. And since we both remembered Die Hard 2: Die Harder sucking worse than Die Hard With A Vengeance (aka Die Hard 3), we opted to watch the third film first. The next night, Max dropped out and I watched Die Harder with Megan. The following night, I completed the series by watching the original Die Hard by myself. And finally yesterday, all three of us went to Cinema Center and took in Live Free Or Die Hard.

So, if you're thinking about seeing the new one, but the last 12 years have left you a little hazy on the the specifics of the other films, don't worry, you've come to the right place. After spending the better part of a week with John McClane, I can get you up to speed pretty quickly. Just watch that YouTube video again, or read my brief reviews below:

Die Hard

I know I've written about this extensively in the past, so if you want a more in-depth analysis go here. Otherwise, all you need to know is that Bruce Willis stars as New York Detective John McClane. He goes to visit his estranged wife and kids in LA for Christmas. After going to meet his wife at her office Christmas party European terrorists take over the building and John McClane saves hostages (including his wife) by essentially running around with no shoes on, crawling around in air ducts, getting the shit kicked out of him, and shooting a lot. This movie also introduced the phrase "Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker." That synopsis doesn't do the movie much justice, as it kicks all sorts of ass, but I'll leave it at that.

Rating: 4.5 (out of 5)

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Before I rented this one last week, I had only seen it once when I went with my dad to see it at Indian Hills on the big screen. That same night, we then went and saw the Dolph Lundgren masterpiece I Come In Peace at the Westroads. Even though I was 13 at the time, saw it the best theatre I've ever seen a movie in, and could compare it to I Come In Peace, I still didn't think it was that great. And guess what? The intervening 17 years did not change my opinion much. Let me put it this way: Have you seen Die Hard? If the answer is yes, you've pretty much seen Die Hard 2. It's still Christmas, Willis's John McClane still crawls around in air ducts, gets the shit kicked out of him, shoots a lot, and once again saves the hostages (including his wife). He also says the phrase "Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker." I mean, both the cop that helped McClane and the douche bag reporter from the original are even back this time. The only differences, really, are that it takes place at Dulles airport, the terrorists this time are rogue American soldiers, the setting is more wide open so it loses the claustrophobia of the first film, and the snappy dialogue from the original is replaced by guys saying "fuck" a lot. Oh, and John McClane wears a black tank top instead of a white one. There, I've just saved you a couple bucks in rental fees. To be fair it's entertaining enough. There's a couple of pretty badass scenes and a nice twist at the end. Heck, Megan enjoyed it, but she hasn't seen Die Hard in a long, long time. But in the end it's far, far inferior to Die Hard and much too derivative to be a worthy successor.

Rating: 2 (out of 5)

Die Hard With A Vengeance

Like Die Hard 2, the only other time I saw this one previously was in the theatre. Way back in 1995, Nick, Zach, (and I think Nate, but I'm not sure) and I cut class and saw this opening day. Much like I was with Die Hard 2, I was pretty underwhelmed. Max, too, remembered this installment not being up to snuff, but after watching it again last week on video we realized just how wrong we both were, because DHWAV kicks ass. For this installment, European terrorists are back in the mix and Willis's John McClane is forced to complete various tasks to keep them from blowing up bombs throughout New York City. This time he has help in the form of Harlem-based electrician Zeuss Carver, played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. This movie opens up the setting even more than Die Hard 2, but makes up for that by confining McClane and Carver through the use of a ticking clock. For instance, can McClane and Carver make it across town in 20 minutes during rush hour to stop a bomb? It's a very effective technique the restores much of the tension and hopelessness of the first film. Also, the snappy dialogue from the first film is back, and who better to deliver it in spades than Samuel L. and Bruce Willis? The fact that this film pretty much dismisses the second installment also gives it bonus cool points. Plus, we once again get to see McClane fight terrorists, get the shit kicked out of him, shoot a lot, and hear him utter the immortal phrase "Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker."

Rating: 4 (out of 5)

Live Free Or Die Hard aka Die Hard 4.0

Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for, where I answer the question of whether Live Free Or Die Hard is a worthwhile follow-up in the franchise. The answer is a resounding, unequivocal "yes." Now, I don't want to give anything away, but in the new movie Bruce Willis's John McClane fights terrorists, gets the shit kicked out of him, and shoots a lot (hope I didn't ruin anything for you there). They mix it up this time a little though. Instead of setting it on Christmas, they chose Independence Day and the terrorists, get this, are both American and European. And they're not your run-of-the-mill terrorists either, they're cyber-terrorists. This may seem a little cliché these days, but in the context of Die Hard, it totally works. You see, John McClane has always been characterized as a throwback, "A Timex watch in the digital age," as they put it in this film, and what better way to highlight this than have an old-school cop fight high-tech thieves?

This movie feels more like a successor to Die Hard With A Vengeance, in that the setting is once again pretty wide-open and McClane is teamed with sidekick of sorts. The sidekick this time is a physically inept hacker played by Justin Long (of Ed fame and more recently the Mac in Apple commercials). And once again, the interplay between the two characters is highly entertaining. This movie ups the ante, though, in the terrorist threat department with the safety of the entire country at risk and, in a throwback to the original Die Hard, McClane must also deal with a specific threat to the life of a family member. This time, the terrorists make the mistake of making it personal by kidnapping his daughter (played with fiery defiance by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, most recently of Grindhouse).

But does it kick ass? Yes, my friends it kicks ass. This one kicks ass almost from the word go. The stunts and action pieces are dialed up to 10. Is some of it unbelievable? You bet. But by this time, you expect John McClane to do the unbelievable and you'll be having so much fun you won't care. Plus, the film gets bonus cool points by placing McClane back in an elevator shaft and, in a fashion, an air duct. Not only that, but we're also treated to even more pretty great references to the other movies, as well.

One thing about the movie a lot of people have complained about is the fact that it's PG-13 and not R. To this I say, you won't miss it. Seriously, if you've seen any of the Bourne movies, or even Mission Impossible 3, you'll know how hardcore PG-13 movies can be these days. At no point during those films, or LFODH, did I say to myself, "This is pretty good, but it would be so much better if it was R." The only major difference it made, was that this time, you only get to hear John say "Yippee-kay-yay mother..." but when it happens, it's so badass, it may be the best delivery of the line yet. And if it's that big of a deal to you, feel free to finish his sentence for him.

In the end, I really dug this movie. It wasn't anything mindblowing or groundbreaking, but it's a Die Hard movie and that's not what I go see them for. I go to see Bruce Willis's John McClane fight terrorists, get the shit kicked out of him, and shoot a lot. And this movie delivered. So far, it's the best action movie of the summer, if not the most enjoyable and satisfying franchise picture, to boot. That may sound like faint praise, but in a summer full of threequels, it's actually saying something. So far, it's the only one of it's kind that I actually want to see again.

Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

That's probably enough Die Hard for now. I'll be back with something more substantive next time, I promise. Until then, my friends, remember in life we have 2 choices, we can Live Free Or Die Hard. I'm not actually sure what that means, but I'm sure those are words to live by... or at least die hard by.