Awesome... I F*&%in' Bought That

Have you ever liked a band or performer so much that you thought they could do no wrong? Have you ever been so in to something that it caused you to make questionable purchases? Purchases that seemed like a can't miss idea at the time, but ended up being either disappointing, or simply not really standing the test of time? Well, I let me tell you, I can relate.

Let's hop in the way back machine and travel to the height of the gangsta rap era (circa 1992). By that point I had been listening to gangsta rap for about 5 years. I had started out listening to N.W.A., Eazy-E, and Ice-T. But by 1992 I had really gotten into the Geto Boys.

Now, for the uninitiated, the Geto Boys are probably the most gangsta of any gangsta rappers. These guys talked about some horrible shit. I'm not talking drive-by shootings, or busting a cap in someone's ass, I'm talking selling sex for cigarettes in prison and being so paranoid you want to kill yourself. Sure, they sometimes glamorized violence, but a lot of the time they talked about repercussions of living a life of crime. It was some disturbing and scary shit. And I couldn't get enough.

Which leads me to the Geto Boys' Rap-A-Lot Records labelmate, and the subject of my questionable purchase, Ganksta N-I-P. Nip was a pioneer of a thankfully short-lived sub-genre of rap called horrorcore. Horrorcore was hardcore rap + horror movie subject matter, and in general, it equaled shit music. And you know what? My friends and I FUCKING loved it. And not in a "it's so bad, it's good sort of way", we legitimately loved it.

And what's not love, with verses like this, from the 8 minute and 16 second Rap-A-Lot Records' magnum opus, Bring It On?

With a weed smokin' motherfucker, plus I kick doobies
I'm the one that told that nigga to go insane in the loobies(?)
Ganksta NIP is fuckin' your daughter, G
I wake up every morning screamin' "Somebody slaughter me!"
Step in my path, your ass is void
'Cause I'm and aerodynamic, satanic, schizophrenic asteroid
Your mind ain't' deep enough, your boys can't creep enough,
dead bodies complainin' that we too loud, they can't sleep enough
Attempted murder, I didn't mean to hurt her,
I hadn't ate in 2 years, I just wanted a cheeseburger
Bulletproof vest won't protect your chest,
A whole body is hard to digest
Once I flex, count the necks,
The Heart of South Park like a recreation of Malcolm X,
So bring it on, I'm ready to slaughter,
Sitting in church, drinkin' a 40 of Holy Water

Now, those are not good lyrics by any stretch of the imagination. Admittedly, there are a couple of pretty dope lines in there, like "Sitting in church, drinkin' a 40 of Holy Water," but that's about it. I think that Nip was trying to take some of the scarier elements of gangsta rap lyrics to another level, like "You want scary? I got scary!" But far from being scary, the lyrics become ridiculous, and ultimately silly. I mean, cannibalism is scary, but when Nip compares it to eating cheeseburgers and the fact that it apparently gives him indigestion, well, that's just funny.

And what in God's name does being "an aerodynamic, satanic, schizophrenic asteroid" really mean? Is that supposed to be intimidating? If someone were to say to me, "Watch out, that guy's a bad motherfucker," I would immediately know what he was talking about. But if someone says, "Watch out that guy's an aerodynamic, satanic, schizophrenic asteroid," I would probably need to ask for further clarification. I mean, my mental picture of that is a gangsta rapper wearing a gold chain pentagram, floating in around in outer space. This image far from making me scared, actually makes me giggle, and that' probably not the effect Nip was going for.

The best part about all of this (or the worst depending on your point of view) is this is, by far, Nip's best verse ever. And it's not even on his own album! Want proof? Here are some sample lyrics from songs on his debut album, The South Park Psycho:

Horror Movie Rap
Fuck with N-I-P, I ain't no actor
My twelve daughters died from talking shit to a tractor
I'm getting pissed from the blood I threw up
Barely snapped my fingers and Jupiter blew up!
Hoes, they love me, they say I'm a pleaser
I woke up dead in a cat's leg screaming "Caesar!"
Quick to break your motherfuckin' spine
A dead goat got pregnant and said it was mine
Ganksta N-I-P - I'm down with the Mob
Cuttin' off heads was my last year's summer job
Blame it on TV - then put it on the map
This is a horror movie rap

Smoking Amp
Back on the block, sounds messing with my head,
Even before some amp eyes bloodshot fuckin' red
So I drive to a Burger King,
Looking real motherfuckin' mean
Thinking about a hearse
Shot the people in front of me, cause I wanna order first
"May I help you brother?"
(triple gunshots) Help that motherfucker!
Cut out his heart then he fell to his knees
It' s tasty like a Whopper with cheese

And, finally, here are some lyrics from the albums best song, Psycho:
A psycho-ass nigga I'm dissin' your crew
If you don't like the way I rap, tough shit nigga, fuck you
Time for a murder, I'm fenna kick ass
Breastfeedin' newborn babies with unleaded gas
Blood gushin' out your head is gettin' thicker and thicker
Pour some chocolate on your arm so it could taste like a Snickers
Push your ass off a building, check to see if you're dead
Flashback to second grade, pencil sharpen your fuckin' head
Strapped with an uzi, so get ready to die,
Catch a nigga while he's asleep, strike a match in his eye

I could go on, but I'm getting tired of typing. If you really want more, I'll let you borrow the CD. Yup I still have it. I know it's bad, but that's become why I still own it. It is so, so, SO bad. Which makes it all the more hilarious when I think back to how much my friends and I liked it. Funny how tastes change.

I'm not exactly sure why my friends and I loved Nip so much back then. I think it probably had something to do with our immaturity and the ridiculous amounts of testosterone our teenage bodies were producing. It's probably the exact same factors that attract teenage boys to slasher movies as well. Whatever the case, I can tell you when I stopped seriously listening to Nip. It was in the spring of 1995, when Nip dropped his Sophomore album Psychic Thoughts. Gone were the horror movie-style lyrics, which were replaced by more, let's just say "anti-caucasian" lyrics. You might have thought that the cover would have tipped me off:


But it didn't. I was still under the spell of gangsta rap, and I could still look past things like an album cover showing the positive transformation from pointing guns at a man of one race, to pointing guns at a man of a different race... Anyhoo, let's just say listening to album wasn't very enjoyable, as Nip detailed his conversion to Islam and renounced his former ways. His DJ even changed his name from Triple-6 to Triple-X, as the only references to the devil would now be those about the "white devil." I'm sure this would be looked at by many as a good thing, a guy giving up cannibalism and Burger King holdups because he found God. Good for him. Really. Except that whole "I'm gonna kill me some white dudes" element of the album doesn't really square with that, but whatever. Needless to say, that was my last album by Nip I ever purchased. Which, considering how poorly his first album has aged, can only be seen as money better spent somewhere else. Now, if only I could say that was the last shit album I bought as well...